In continuing with my journey and the discussion of a higher
power, I wondered what happens when the bag gets full. The man told me he
bought a whole pack of bags. They were the kind of bags that your mother use to
buy for school lunches. Having gone through the first few steps of the 12 step
program I suppose the first two fit right in with the bag, but three seemed to
be a bit more difficult. With God, making a decision to turn my will over to
him seemed a natural thing. After all I understood when I accepted Yeshua
(Jesus) I gave him my life, it was his anyway. But how do you do this with a
paper bag? I wish I would have paid more attention to how this man did it. I do
remember he stayed angry and wanted to blame everything on the woman who left
him. No personal responsibility in the relationship it seemed; and of course
step four was quite difficult for him because making a fearless moral inventory
of yourself can take a bit of courage and self reflection, which he seemed not
to want to do, nor could his bag on top of the refrigerator hold it all. When the meetings were over many of us
stopped off for coffee or a drink somewhere to continue our fellowship, however
this man was rarely included. Seemed no one wanted to be around him. We of
course shared our war stories of divorce and separation more in-depth with each
other, especially as we grew closer with individuals in our group.
It was apparent to me during that time in spite of what
looked like the end of the world, in spite of being left with two children to
raise on my own and few skills to market that my only hope was in God. Now you
have to understand that even during this time I was pretty angry with God and
with my church. For some reason people in churches react to divorce as if it
were some kind of communicable disease. Here I was the same lady who taught
catechism classes every Tuesday, attended prayer meetings & bible studies,
daughter when to private school at the church, sang in the choir and the moment
my husband leaves, for another woman, you would have though I was a leper. It
wasn’t my fault he was an alcoholic and addicted to porn and weed, but that
didn’t seem to matter. So all I had was my support group at this time and God,
who was on my pissed list at the time. It’s funny as I look back now knowing I
was angry with God but still working through the program knowing HE was my only
hope.
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